Meet Me At The Line

… or you CANNOT play with me.

This is the game of boundaries. If you do NOT delineate your boundaries with others, they are certain to be crossed and it will NOT be the other person’s fault.

Everyone needs to set clear boundaries for themselves in order to be happy and to have their needs met. But if you are not setting those boundaries for yourself and for the other person, how do they know where they are?

Boundaries designate the rules of the game and without them, there is relative chaos where no one knows how to optimally play the game and no one knows if they’ve crossed a line and sabotaged the game.

Do you know who you are? And do you know what you need in a relationship? Whether it be a work situation, friendship or romantic relationship, you always have to draw that line. What exactly is the line? It is your position in the relationship – it clearly defines your expectations – it is what you NEED to be fulfilled and happy and it is also what you will NOT tolerate. 

When you enter a relationship – any relationship – tell that person, “Here’s my line. If you want to dance with me, you have to meet me at the line. I will not over-cooperate and cross that line for your compliance and I will not under-cooperate and run away from the line. Because I realize that a relationship only works when both partners designate the line and know how to meet each other at it.”

If you don’t know how to designate a line, it will always be crossed and worse, if you do not know how to speak up once the line has been crossed, it will be crossed over and over again and that behavior once encouraged, is very difficult to alter.

Everyone deserves to have their needs met. Draw that line and tell others to meet you at it. If they cannot meet you at that line, they cannot play with you. They need to step off your playing field so you can find the partner who can.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

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People Only See What They Want To See

… and you can’t change that.

It’s NOT your job to change that.

Perception is reality.  A person’s perception is carefully colored by their personal experiences. Those experiences make them who they are and give them a unique perspective on the world. That perspective is their truth – whether it resonates with your or not – it’s their truth and needs to be acknowledged as such. It is important to realize that you don’t have to agree with them, you have only to accept that for them, this is their truth.

The name of the game is acceptance. In life, you want to learn to change the things you can and ACCEPT the things you can’t. There’s no use in trying to change someone’s viewpoint. It’s theirs. Your viewpoints might be in conflict because perception is reality and reality is always relative to the person perceiving it.

Save your energy the next time you are disagreeing with someone’s perception. After all, it is their reality you are challenging. The sooner that you can accept that other people will view the world and certain circumstances differently, the sooner you can head-off a potential conflict. It’s not your job to get people to see things the way you see them, it is your job to realize that people will see things through their own perceptive lens of reality and that may not match yours. And that has to be ok.

Acceptance is the name of the game. People only see what they want to see – or what they are conditioned to see, but regardless they see it through their own lens of reality. No need to fight against that lens, if it doesn’t work for you, don’t use it. Cast it aside and use your own lens. You don’t have to validate someone’s lens, you just have to accept that they have one.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here. 

 

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Taking The Easy Way Out

… assures you that things will get HARDER later on.

Don’t kid yourself, there are no short cuts in life. If you come up to a challenging situation in a love relationship or at work, etc., it is because it is time for you to work through it.

Nothing ever shows up in our lives without a reason for being. And challenges in our lives always show up on cue. But you always have a choice. You can either walk the challenge, see it through and grow beyond it or you can accept the “easier way out” which will also “coincidentally” appear at the same time. Hence you get to choose your path. Depending on your ability to know yourself and to know what you need to work on at this stage of your life will determine which direction you take and subsequently determine your level of happiness.

Don’t think the easy way out means easier. Easy very often becomes boring, frustrating and leaves us feeling unchallenged, uninspired and stagnant as time goes by.

Accepting the challenging route is no doubt more challenging, but it assures that you rise to the occasion and you grow and you become more of the being you are here to become. Challenges ALWAYS make us better. Challenges are the knock at the door that say, “hey, hi are you ready to play?”

Ask yourself if you are ready to play? Are you ready to be better? If you are here to become the best YOU you can, then grab that challenge. It is the lifeboat that will take you to the life you want. Anything else deemed “easier” will only provide very short term gratification and then quickly drop you into a deep low where you feel stuck and unhappy because you have avoided your own growth.

You always have a choice. Choose wisely. Learn to go deep. Learn to do the work. Learn how to live the happiest life you are here to live. You only learn it by overcoming those challenges NEVER hiding from them.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here. 

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If You Are In It, Be In It

… otherwise get OUT of it.

There’s NO in between. This is especially true of our romantic relationships. If you are in one, BE IN IT and make it work, otherwise get out of it and move on.

Complaining about your relationship will not make it better.

Staying and cheating does not make it better.

Wishing you were with someone else will not make it better.

Trying to change that person will not make it better.

The only thing that will make it better is a genuine commitment to healing by BOTH parties. There are 2 people in the relationship and BOTH have to commit to working on it.

If both parties are NOT willing, there isn’t any hope. Time to leave.

Don’t kid yourself. Don’t hold on and hope things will change. Change ONLY happens when both parties work together. Where is your relationship? Can the other person be as committed as you are to healing? If not, you may have to look elsewhere.

Having history together does not make a relationship work. Having a genuine interest in securing a happy tomorrow will. It is always your choice. But if you choose to be in it, BE IN IT and get that person to work with you. Don’t accept no for an answer. If you find the answer is still no, time to make a gracious exit. Don’t let the memories keep you stuck. Your life is ahead of you and if that person cannot/will not work WITH YOU, don’t even look back. Run towards a happier tomorrow.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here. 

 

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Drawing the Line

… makes sure it never gets crossed.

Relationships are about boundaries. When relating to others it is critical that you are extremely clear about your boundaries and what behavior you will accept and what behavior you will NOT accept.

Often times we get upset with others’ behavior. We feel slighted by their words or their actions. Unfortunately it is too easy to turn a blind eye and hope the other person is having an off-day. Either that or we react the opposite way and we unconsciously explode into a fit of victimizing anger. Neither action yields the desired result.

Communication upfront is the only way to ensure that your needs will be met. Don’t expect others to know what “good and fair” behavior is for you. Don’t give them the opportunity to decide that. It is your work to decide what you will and will not accept from others.

Once you are clear with your boundaries, you will be met with much BETTER outcomes. When people are clear with their boundaries, other people respect them more. They respect them for respecting themselves. In other words, you get much better behavior when you establish the expectation upfront.

There will always be people who push your boundaries and try to cross the line.  If you haven’t set up the line beforehand, it will always make it harder to distinguish later. Also if you haven’t designated the line at all, how can others know when they have crossed it? Be clear with your boundaries. Learn to speak up for yourself. Learn to defend your integrity and let no one cross that line.

You get what you accept. If you do not want to accept it, do not allow it. You cannot control other’s behavior, but you can control what you will and will not accept from them. Avoidance does not solve the issue nor does arguing. Communicating yourself upfront – kindly, constructively and compassionately will go so far to supporting the type of interactions you will receive in your life. Love yourself. Respect yourself and draw the line. If the line is there, others will most certainly think twice about crossing it.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here.

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You Have To Lose to Win

…as crazy as that sounds, it is very true.

This is a common theme in my counseling practice. It comes up time and time again. We fail to realize that situations that are not working and not making us happy will never somehow magically transform themselves to be what we need them to be. Sometimes we are just too close to the relationship to see what is really going on. A situation that is in a dysfunctional place will remain dysfunctional unless we take ourselves out of the equation so that the situation can heal appropriately.

This pattern shows up in many areas of our lives but especially in relationships. If you are in a relationship that is no longer supporting your highest good and the highest good of all people involved, then it is important to recognize that it may be time to take a small break from it. This is very hard for people to realize. We stay out of fear and desperation and we use force and anger to get what we want, but by doing so, we inadvertently end up beating the relationship to the ground. Relationships are like people, they need a break from time to time in order to gain proper perspective.

I always say that you have to lose what isn’t working to find something that will. Temporarily lose a toxic relationship now and you will win either a healthier version of that relationship once it has healed or you will win a better relationship with someone new. Either way you have to lose to win.

Beating a relationship to the ground by continually playing out the same drama and nagging will never heal an unhealthy dynamic. It will only contribute to a further demise of the relationship. If you are having problems in a relationship, love yourself and your partner enough to take a little breather from the dysfunction … once there is a degree of space, then both parties can fairly evaluate the relationship as a whole and and their role in it. That objectivity will lead to healing. I assure you if you “lose” the relationship now, you will only get a better version of it when you (or both of you) have a chance to heal from it. If you do not win a better version of that relationship, then no doubt, you will win a better relationship with someone new. Either way, you must lose to win in the end.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here.

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