Never Expect People To Be Other Than Who They Are

… and you’ll NEVER be disappointed.

It’s a beautiful gift to be able to see the potential in people – to be able to see what they’re capable of and to believe in them (even when they don’t believe in themselves).

But just because you see the potential in someone doesn’t mean they themselves are ready to rise to that potential. Not everyone is ready to embody the idealized version of them you might be holding. Expectations destroy relationships. Never expect someone to be other than who they are. It’s unfair to them and it’s unfair to you.

When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. And don’t expect them to show up otherwise. It doesn’t serve you to EXPECT that people act in a certain way. It only sets you up for disappointment when they don’t.

Stop believing in people’s potential and start believing in how they are showing up in this moment. Because that is all you have. Nothing else is real.

The easiest way to destroy a relationship is to expect someone to act in a way that is not authentic to them. Let your expectations go. Stop trying to change people. People have to want to change on their own.

Let people be who they are and if who they are doesn’t work for you, make another decision. But don’t spend one more second trying to make them into who you think they should be. When people tell you who they are, believe them and never expect them to be other than who they are and you will NEVER be disappointed.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here.

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People Only See What They Want To See

… and you can’t change that.

It’s NOT your job to change that.

Perception is reality.  A person’s perception is carefully colored by their personal experiences. Those experiences make them who they are and give them a unique perspective on the world. That perspective is their truth – whether it resonates with your or not – it’s their truth and needs to be acknowledged as such. It is important to realize that you don’t have to agree with them, you have only to accept that for them, this is their truth.

The name of the game is acceptance. In life, you want to learn to change the things you can and ACCEPT the things you can’t. There’s no use in trying to change someone’s viewpoint. It’s theirs. Your viewpoints might be in conflict because perception is reality and reality is always relative to the person perceiving it.

Save your energy the next time you are disagreeing with someone’s perception. After all, it is their reality you are challenging. The sooner that you can accept that other people will view the world and certain circumstances differently, the sooner you can head-off a potential conflict. It’s not your job to get people to see things the way you see them, it is your job to realize that people will see things through their own perceptive lens of reality and that may not match yours. And that has to be ok.

Acceptance is the name of the game. People only see what they want to see – or what they are conditioned to see, but regardless they see it through their own lens of reality. No need to fight against that lens, if it doesn’t work for you, don’t use it. Cast it aside and use your own lens. You don’t have to validate someone’s lens, you just have to accept that they have one.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here. 

 

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When People Get Stuck In Their Own Stories

… they CANNOT hear you.

They only hear what they want to hear or what they’ve been conditioned to hear. But regardless, when they are stuck in their own story, they won’t be able to hear you.

We all have these scripts that run inside our heads about who we are and how we show up in life. And just for the record, they are generally not very accurate. They tend to be the limiting, self-destructive scripts that keep us from greatness and/or keep us from learning how to truly connect with others.

It takes a very open minded and balanced being to be open enough/aware enough to hear the constructive comments of others and be able to distinguish them from the deconstructive comments. An open minded being doesn’t shutdown when faced with constructive criticism, they embrace it and seek to grow and evolve with it. Ask yourself if you are able to find constructive criticism in people’s words or if you just shut down when you hear things you don’t like?

On the flip side, have you tried to say something to someone you love and they just don’t get it? Don’t make yourself crazy. You can’t change people’s stories for them; it’s not your place to do so.  They live them everyday. They need them to exist. It’s not your job to fix anyone or save them from themselves. If they cannot hear what you are saying to them, it isn’t time for them to do that work with you. Back off and save your breath. Put your energy back into yourself. Don’t take it personally. Not everyone is able and ready to rewrite their stories. Some prefer to relive them over and over again because it is easier than trying to grow into new and unchartered territory.

Are you stuck in your story? Want to be free? Learn to let go of what you think defines you and open up to a new way of being. Life is too short to keep yourself stuck. If you stay stuck in your story, you will never hear anyone and chances are there is a newer and much better story out there for you. It might be time to go out and find it.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here. 

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You Can’t Fix People

… you can only fix yourself.

You are not responsible for anyone. You cannot save them from themselves. It is simply not your work. This makes things challenging for us when we are involved with people who may need a bit of guidance. It’s human nature to want to help and it’s also human nature to want people to act in a way that makes you happy, but life doesn’t work that way. You have to let people be who they are and if who they are doesn’t work for you, it might be time to make a different choice. 

The road to misery is paved with those who have set up unrealistic expectations of their partners or what’s worse, have tried to change their partner’s behavior outright. When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM and don’t spend time trying to change them. It doesn’t work. It only succeeds in frustrating you and depleting you of your positive energy and life force.

Everyone has their own work to do. Yours is to focus on your life lessons and spend less time trying to improve upon others’ lessons. If you try to do the work for others, not only will you exhaust yourself and be left feeling very resentful, but you will disempower them to do their own work and they will only end up shutting down to you. What you try to fix and save will surely backfire on you.

If you truly want to “fix” people and make them into “better versions of themselves”, inspire them to do the work themselves. You do this by being the best version of who you are everyday – loving yourself and making the highest choice for yourself even if it means walking away from less than desired behavior. Set an example of integrity for them to follow. This also means refraining from complaining, whining and launching frontal attacks when you are not getting your way, or worse, shutting down and disengaging when you don’t want to deal. These are childish tactics that never yield the benefit sought.

Don’t expect people to be OTHER than who they are. Don’t kid yourself into thinking they will change. Don’t buy into the potential you see in them. Accept them for who they are and what they are willing to give you OR DON’T. Life is too short to spend your time doing other’s work.  It’s not yours to do and they will not appreciate it. Do the math, you are the one who loses. Learn to love yourself enough to let people simply be who they are.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here.

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Changing People

Guess what? It doesn’t work.

Years ago, I loved this play, “I love you. Your Perfect. Now Change.” Why do we do that to ourselves and others? I always tell students and clients, “Know the cards you are holding, always know who is sitting across from you and never expect them to be other than who they are.”  We get caught up in our notions of who we think people should be or how it is we would like them to be. Trying to change people only frustrates yourself and those who you are trying to convert. It’s unfair and very deconstructive.

Here’s the deal… you are always in control of your life, your perceptions and your reactions but you are NOT in control of other’s perceptions or reactions. That’s a fact. Everyone in your life is a gift to you – a lesson teaching you something about yourself. I always say, “you only know who you are in life, when you know who you are NOT.” Having conflict with others is actually a good thing… it teaches us who we are and how we want to show up in life.

Know that it is important to express yourself and to make yourself feel as if you are understood to whomever you are dealing with – clients, colleagues, bosses, significant others, friends, family, etc… But also know that you cannot control the outcome. And that has to be OK. You can only do the best you can do in terms of communicating yourself and doing so kindly, concisely and compassionately. Once you do that, your work is done. Unfortunately though, you have no control over how others may “understand” you. You have to be willing to express yourself and “walk away” and not need them to understand you or feel validated by them. Our problem as humans is that we tend to stay and try to “convince” others that we are right or that we have reason to feel the way we do and we get frustrated when they do not hear us. Newsflash: you do not need to change people, you only need to realize that some people are just incapable of hearing and understanding you. Grasping this simple concept can make all the difference in the world and save you from much frustration.

Once you let go of the notion that people have to be “other than who they are,” you will never again be disappointed by their behavior and will never again feel the need to be understood by them. You will be better suited to walk away from them when conflict arises.

Read more inspiration in Donnalynn’s new Book, “Life Lessons,” click here.

If you would like more information on Emotional Wellbeing and Life Coaching Sessions with Donnalynn, click here.

If you would like to read some reviews on Donnalynn’s Coaching, click here.

If you would like to schedule a session with Donnalynn, click here.

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