You Can’t Fix People

… you can only fix yourself.

You are not responsible for anyone. You cannot save them from themselves. It is simply not your work. This makes things challenging for us when we are involved with people who may need a bit of guidance. It’s human nature to want to help and it’s also human nature to want people to act in a way that makes you happy, but life doesn’t work that way. You have to let people be who they are and if who they are doesn’t work for you, it might be time to make a different choice. 

The road to misery is paved with those who have set up unrealistic expectations of their partners or what’s worse, have tried to change their partner’s behavior outright. When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM and don’t spend time trying to change them. It doesn’t work. It only succeeds in frustrating you and depleting you of your positive energy and life force.

Everyone has their own work to do. Yours is to focus on your life lessons and spend less time trying to improve upon others’ lessons. If you try to do the work for others, not only will you exhaust yourself and be left feeling very resentful, but you will disempower them to do their own work and they will only end up shutting down to you. What you try to fix and save will surely backfire on you.

If you truly want to “fix” people and make them into “better versions of themselves”, inspire them to do the work themselves. You do this by being the best version of who you are everyday – loving yourself and making the highest choice for yourself even if it means walking away from less than desired behavior. Set an example of integrity for them to follow. This also means refraining from complaining, whining and launching frontal attacks when you are not getting your way, or worse, shutting down and disengaging when you don’t want to deal. These are childish tactics that never yield the benefit sought.

Don’t expect people to be OTHER than who they are. Don’t kid yourself into thinking they will change. Don’t buy into the potential you see in them. Accept them for who they are and what they are willing to give you OR DON’T. Life is too short to spend your time doing other’s work.  It’s not yours to do and they will not appreciate it. Do the math, you are the one who loses. Learn to love yourself enough to let people simply be who they are.

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People Who Criticize

… are usually the ones who have the most work to do.

Everyone has issues. EVERYONE.

Conscious people are the ones who KNOW what their issues are and do not blame others for their own shortcomings.  But not everyone is conscious. Not everyone owns up to their inadequacies.

One of the major life lessons a person can have is known as “self-perfection”. Individuals with this life lesson are here to do serious work on themselves – to “perfect themselves” so to say. But all too often, those with this life lesson may become somewhat misguided and as a result demand perfection of everyone around them instead of themselves. It is easier for them to find fault in you then it is for them to turn the mirror on themselves.

Those who continually find fault in others are generally those who have the most work to do on themselves and they are conveniently avoiding looking at their own behavior.

Do your work. Know what your issues are and give the rest back. Don’t own what is not yours. If you take it on, you will start to embody it in no time. When your critics start to judge you, you should be able to detach from their commentary with a sense of ease. Recognize that the person you are dealing with is having issues doing their own work. Yours is not to save them or fix them. Yours is to not own their criticisms. Yours is to turn the mirror back on them and walk away with your head up high.

Owning “what is yours” empowers you, it holds you responsible and accountable for your life. It makes you stronger and wiser and brings great rewards to the table for you.

Those who prefer holding others accountable are not accepting responsibility for their life. They are the ones who remain lost – for without blame they have no sense of recourse. For sure, they remain stuck by their own hand.

Take control back of your life. Own what is yours and turn the mirror back on those who just cannot see.

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Going to the Bad Place

… is a one-way ticket DOWN. Guaranteed.

No one wants to go DOWN, but by succumbing to our negative thoughts about ourselves, we only succeed in keeping ourselves down and unhappy. Remember whatever you buy into is yours. Make sure you want it before purchasing.

Whenever you feel not good enough about yourself, or feel low, or inadequate, it is time to change that thought. Immediately shut it down and switch the thought to the highest thought you could have about yourself. Simply replace one thought with the other. Instead of focusing on the negative, we focus on something positive.

We have learned that you get what you think about. No one likes to think badly of themselves. So don’t do it. Switch your thought to a thought that makes you feel better about yourself. Even if it is not a real thought, maybe it is a fantasy… see it and believe it for yourself. Embody that energy and it will deter you from spiraling down to that bad place.

As Patanjali states in the Yoga Sutras, Book II – Sutra 33 – “Vitarka-Badhane- Prati-Paksa- Bhavanam”. When disturbed by disturbing thoughts, stop and think the opposite. 

Going to the bad place is just misguided energy. Take back your control of that energy and don’t buy into a thought that you do not want to own as yours. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, throw it out and replace it with an opposite thought. In time we realize that happiness is only ONE thought away.

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Mending Wounds

We are all a bit broken. Everyone of us.

It is not the fact that you are broken that’s an issue, it is for you to recognize the parts of yourself that are wounded and allow yourself to heal those wounds everyday. In other words, you do the work.

Our wounds are like giant holes leaving us feeling empty and alone. Most people fall into the abyss of those holes and go right down to the bottom. They allow themselves to feel more and more broken and empty everyday. They wait and hope that someone or something will come into their life and fill those empty holes, but that never works. Those holes can never be filled from outside of you. In many cases, those holes never really fill completely. But in life, we must cross over that hole to get to the other side so that we can have new experiences and move on with our lives.

There isn’t a magic bullet or perfect prescription for how to “do the work” and “mend our wounds.” We always want answers in life but unfortunately answers are never simple. You can never really fill the hole completely, but you can learn how to navigate around it to get to the other side. In many ways, mending wounds is akin to building a bridge. Sometimes navigating the hole entails building yourself that bridge to get you over the pain.

The goal is to not stay stuck in the hole. Want more for yourself. Figure out how you can learn to circumvent the hole. What bridges can you build yourself that will successfully take you over your pain and to the other side where the sunlight is shining and your possibilities are endless? Remember don’t focus on “filling the hole,” focus on building a creative bridge to get you across to the other side. Whatever that bridge may be, know that at its essence the bridge is lined with self-love. Love yourself enough to find anyway to make yourself happy. The rest will heal in time. A series of bridges can and always will help the hole to heal. Before you know it, you won’t need a bridge. You will be able to step right across that hole and into the ideal life you’ve created for yourself.

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When People Tell You Who They Are

… believe them.

So often we want to believe in the good of others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt. We see so much potential in them – so much so, that we are willing to overlook anything to the contrary. We make excuses for people, we turn a cheek to pain and betrayal in hopes that it will never happen again. We assure ourselves that every indignation is a one-off – “they are just having a bad day,” we tell ourselves.

Now understand that it is a great gift to be able to believe in people and see their hearts… to believe in them and see what no one else sees… But at the same time, it is a great curse to ignore what is right in front of you.

When people tell you (by way of showing you) who they are, believe them. Talk (and email) is very cheap. We use vocabulary as manipulation. Actions are the most telling. When you enter that new relationship, the first time that person crosses your boundaries, make a note – this is who they are. They may not say as such, but their actions tell you everything you need to know. When they offer bad behavior upfront, do not believe in their potential to change. Do not think that you are an exception to the rule – that you will somehow change them – that you will somehow convert them into a better version of themselves. It never works.

As Sarah McLachlan says in Dirty Little Secret, ”I’ve relied on my illusions to keep me warm at night.”  We all rely heavily on our illusions to comfort us and help us to ignore what is right in front of us. Somehow making up a better version of it all can make it seem alright and consequently justify the time we have invested into the relationship.

In reality people do not change, and it is wrong of you to expect that they will. People can want to change and can even go through the motions of trying to change, but at its essence level, change is extremely difficult – especially the older we get and the less disciplined we are. If you want a healthy relationship, be a good “listener” and hear what is actually being “said” to you. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

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